| 7/14/2008 9:03:36 AM From: emkay64 Smartasses need not reply. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 9:12:58 AM From: mercury The thing you can do is take care of you and your girls... she's a grown up, she's made her own choices and her own bed. I know it's hard. I know it doesn't feel right, but it's all you can really do. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 9:14:00 AM From: mercury ...until she calls to say "I know I need help." | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:17:17 AM From: emkay64 I kind of suspected that Merc...I know she needs to admit to needing help. I can't suggest it or she'll feed me into another of her bizarre conspiracy theories. | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:29:47 AM From: eddo wow Emkay, that stinks big time. Merc is right though, your focus needs to be you and your girls. Have they said anything about grandma since you all got back home? Have you ever had to talk to them about your mom before? If not, it might not be a bad idea to find out what they think of it all and try to help them work through what they saw. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 9:34:39 AM From: emkay64 Kids are really funny that way. They live in the moment. My Mom phoned to apologize to them and they seem fine. They were happy when we decided to leave. They think "Grandma is scary". I think she is too, but I am used to this behavior. It has always been volatile, just worse in the last in 18 years. | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:36:04 AM From: emkay64 I told them that people sometimes argue and sometimes it gets loud, but they sort it out. I explained that none of this was their fault and I honestly think they were relieved. | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:37:39 AM From: emkay64 BTW...I do not think the fighting is normal, but that is a difficult concept to convey. We don't do that in our house. We have spats at best, but the kids haven't ever seen anything like that. I'm ashamed that they did. | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:45:27 AM From: Feckless Wench Walk away, you cannot help any one until they see that there is a problem with their behaviour and want to change. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 9:50:37 AM From: mercury exactly... if you bring it up, or suggest she isn't right in the head, you'll become the enemy. | |
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| 7/14/2008 9:57:39 AM From: emkay64 I'm already the enemy. | |
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| 7/14/2008 10:00:20 AM From: mercury a bigger and more dangerous enemy. | |
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| 7/14/2008 10:04:02 AM From: emkay64 She's so irrational and dramatic. In her last phonecall she told me she "made a decision". When I asked what she meant she said "you'll all know when it all comes out"...WTF! This is the kind of crap that she constantly spews. I phoned her sister (since she talks to her). Maybe she can help a little. I refuse to do this with her again. | |
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| 7/14/2008 10:09:30 AM From: emkay64 The problem is my parents have a lot of assets to divide. I can't do this for them. They require lawyers etc. and this will be very extensive. I don't thinkmy Mom is capable of making life changing decisions right now and I'm pretty sure my dad will take advantage. I want things to be fair. If she ends up screwed without enough money...she'll end up at my house, and that shit isn't happening. | |
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| 7/14/2008 10:18:05 AM From: Jez of course you can call the emergency services if you're concerned someone will hurt themselves, and you can press charges if they threaten you. try not to worry about any of that other stuff. you're right to cut her off. i know it seems like just 'listening' isn't really enabling, but sometimes it is. the lawyers will sort everything out, if they even go through with it. i'm so sorry you have to live with this, i know how awful it is, believe me. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 10:55:47 AM From: Peanuts You think she needs help? Ok that was a smart ass remark. Sorry. The kids might act like everythings ok and they accepted the appoligy but I'm sure its in the back of thier minds. I go vist again unless you get a promise from your parents first that they wont act up in front of the kids. You know they can't get help unless they want help. I would make them feel bad for trumitizing the kids. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 11:01:51 AM From: eddo ^^Sorry Peanuts, but continuing the cycle of guilt and pain is not the answer. | |
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| 7/14/2008 11:05:04 AM From: mercury a crazy alcoholics word ain't worth much, anyway. | |
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| 7/14/2008 11:06:11 AM From: mercury ...and I say that with love, emkay... ;o) | |
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| 7/14/2008 11:11:04 AM From: emkay64 Peanuts--I understand what you are saying, but i can't rationalize with her, and making her feel bad never happens. i don't have the energy or the time to sink down to where she is. I hate fighting, it isn't something I'm good at. Plus--like merc said, she isn't rational enough to speak to. | |
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| 7/14/2008 11:12:21 AM From: emkay64 I go home usually once a year. That's it. I won't be going back for a very long time if at all. | |
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| 7/14/2008 5:04:20 PM From: Ali emkay: 1) I'm very, very sorry. 2) Merc is absolutely right. 2) Just like with drugs, some people are addicted to destructive relationships. They crave the drama and false sense of control that the relationship brings them and while they like to pretend they are staying together for "the sake of the family" all they are doing is dragging everyone else down into a state of dysfunction right along with them while they satisfy their own needs. It's selfish and sick. 3) You and your family should not feel guilty for excusing yourself from that drama. Until mom is ready to help herself and seek professional help, I think you should cut her off. 4) None of this is your fault. None of it. 5) I will pray for all of you. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 5:07:25 PM From: Chi omg, I am sorry you are having to go through this, and the kids. Wow, your mom sounds like a combination of my mom, and her mom. Crazy seems to run in my family too, so don't feel bad. I think you have been handling all of this as best as you can already. Keep doing what your gut and common sense tells you. Maybe all of you can do some sort of intervention and convince her to get some meds or have someone who she will listen to talk to her to get help/meds. She def. does sound off kilter. She needs to get help before she drives everyone away. |  |
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| 7/14/2008 7:11:05 PM From: eddo Ali makes an excellent point: Emkay- None of this is your fault. Don't let her make you think it is. | |
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| 7/15/2008 2:09:34 AM From: hugo Am I the only one on this site with two sane parents? | |
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| 7/15/2008 5:16:50 AM From: mercury wasn't it your dad that taught you about sheep? | |
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| 7/15/2008 5:34:56 AM From: hugo Nah, that was Mom. She told me to start counting sheep to battle insomnia. This led me to associate sheep with bedroom activities. | |
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| 7/15/2008 5:48:03 AM From: Ali hugo - you have to remember that you have parents one generation ahead of ours. :P | |
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| 7/15/2008 7:14:03 AM From: mercury my grandparents were nuts, too. | |
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| 7/15/2008 8:41:00 AM From: eddo my great grandparents were cousins... | |
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| 7/15/2008 10:10:12 AM From: hugo ^^^^^^ That explains a lot. | |
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| 7/15/2008 11:10:36 AM From: Rani Think of it this way, if it was anyone else besides your parents behaving this way in front of your children, would you put them properly and firmly in their place? Don't let the fact that the person who is acting in a complete and utter un-acceptable manner is your mother sway your judgement. She was in the wrong to act the way she did but you have the power to let her know she will not be doing so again around your children. It is bad enough you had to spend so much of your life putting up with this crap but because of you and your husband, your children do not have to follow in your footsteps, as a child, you didn't have a choice for yourself, your parents let you down, you do have a choice for your children. The reason being is your children have parents that will not let them down. You deserve better, they deserve better and it is high time you demand it from your mother. Believe it or not, she does this because she can. |  |
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| 7/15/2008 11:13:10 AM From: Rani and it is not YOUR FAULT your parents cannot get a grip and grow up, but, and God help me for saying it but you just need to hear it, It will be YOUR FAULT if you allow your parents to torment your children the way they tormented you. I am sorry to be so harsh, I don't enjoy being so blunt with people. | |
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| 7/15/2008 11:21:08 AM From: Rani Emily does not deserve to be so scared of another person that she shakes and cries and no one has the right to scare Kayley so bad she pees her pants...NO ONE! | |
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| 7/15/2008 11:54:27 AM From: hugo I must confess when I was a kid there was not this bi-polar and ADD crap. You were either stupid or crazy. | |
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| 7/15/2008 12:00:03 PM From: emkay64 ^^^Yah...uhhh...crazy is a hot button word for my Mom. We're talking scorched earth there. | |
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| 7/15/2008 12:04:27 PM From: emkay64 Rani---you are right about everything you said, and that's why we left. I spoke to my mom today and believe it or not the two of them are comsidering "working this out" (what a joke). I informed them that if that is the case we will never go back there again. | |
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| 7/15/2008 12:06:31 PM From: emkay64 It's funny that you said that about not having to accept this as an adult, because I said that to her almost word for word. Of course I was met with "Yah, Yah I fukked up your life and everything is always my fault". *sigh* I'm tired. | |
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| 7/15/2008 1:50:29 PM From: Rani It is embarrassing enough for your mother to have to face and own up to what she did last week, but to have to face and own up to the fact that she has had this problem for years will send her through all the stages of grief...right now, she is finding it outrageous that you cannot "get over" the fact she had a fit. She is in denial and has been for a long long long time. Now that you are making her face it, she is going to fight back and even bargin with you, so that she can remain in denial. If she is truly Bi-polar, hang on tight for the depression is about to hit, and hit her hard, it is going to be tough on you but you will have to let her bawl herself through it. How long this process will take, who knows how long it will take but you will have to stand your ground and not give in until she seeks medical help. The "working this out" joke has always worked in the past to restore your mother's world into balance once again, remember that and don't fall for it. | |
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| 7/15/2008 1:57:51 PM From: Rani Let her know YOUR life is not fracked up, her life is the one that is fracked up and you and your children do not have to suffer for it and will not suffer for it. | |
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| 7/15/2008 5:30:47 PM From: Ali "Working it out", huh? Well your dad may not be a strong enough person to stop feeding into her destructive behavior but I know that you are. *hugs* | |
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| 7/18/2008 6:04:12 AM From: Kethria HUGE hugs... |  |
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| 7/18/2008 8:36:20 AM From: emkay64 Thanka a lot guys. It means a lot to me to have so much support. | |
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| 7/18/2008 9:38:56 AM From: mercury are things calming down at all? I know that can be just as stressful as the whole ordeal... it tends to leave me all off kilter for a while. | |
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| 7/18/2008 10:03:32 AM From: emkay64 She's lucid now. I feel like I've been put through the ringer, but she's good. I have asked to be in the dark about their relationship, and have told them I won't go home again. What irritates me is the fact that she feels she can dump on me all the time because "you're so strong, I never tell you things I don't feel that you can handle". I sometimes wish they thought I was a wuss and would leave me alone. | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:15:19 PM From: Ali I was an adult when my parents divorced and my mom, in her anger, started divulging not so wonderful facts about my father to us kids. Finally I told her that I don't have a lot of great memories about my parents and I really couldn't handle having the few good ones destroyed at this point. Luckily she agreed with me. I said I would be there for her no matter what, but she needed to save the venting about my father for her friends and the Beginning Experience group (for people who have divorced or lost a spouse/partner) she attended. Let me tell you, emkay, my mom joining that group was her/our saving grace. Maybe there is one in your mother's area that she could attend? | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:18:07 PM From: Ali And I'm "the strong one" too. So friends, family and sometimes even complete strangers use my shoulders to cry on which is odd because I completely lack empathy...lol. | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:27:24 PM From: emkay64 ^^^I looked Ali. It's a small town, the only support group seems to be AA. Doesn't that speak reams about the place I grew up :D | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:30:14 PM From: emkay64 It would just be nice occasionally if my parents put us first and asked how we were handling things. I guess that's why I paid for my therapy :) | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:31:04 PM From: Ali Hey, I understand small towns TOTALLY. Actually my mom's group took place in a bigger town so she had to drive an hour to get there, but it was worth it for her. Unfortunately your mom is in a real dependant state right now and may not take the initiative to go any extra miles to get help. | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:33:46 PM From: Ali After my mom went to B.E. she started to ask how we felt about things...plus she had her meds checked and she was a lot calmer after they increased her Effexor. LOL! My dad is a different story, however. He doesn't talk about the divorce with us, but I'm guessing that's because he's the one who cheated and doesn't want the guilt trip the discussion might bring. | |
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| 7/18/2008 1:41:30 PM From: emkay64 Do they use tranquilizer darts at BE? That's the ONLY way she'll be calmer :D I know she needs meds, but she doesn't think she needs it. | |
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| 7/18/2008 3:35:05 PM From: Ali That sucks. At least if she were on meds and got regulated a little bit she might develop better reasoning and coping skills which would make her a lot more bearable. | |
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